Wednesday, March 4, 2009

A Modest Proposal Re The Impending Crisis

Okay, gentle readers (all three of ya), the U. S. of A. is headed down the toilet. It's time for bold strokes. And that's why we need to...


It may sound radical at first. But let me outline the benefits vs. the drawbacks. .

Forget your little bubbleroof car that can only do 50 uphill. Think Road Runner, GTO, Shelby Mustang, Chevelle SS, Cougar, Charger, Corvette, Camaro, 442. Think 426 Hemi, 440 six-pack, 428 Cobra Jet, 427 and 454. Or if you're into comfort, not speed, think Lincoln Continental, Cadillac Eldorado, Chrysler Imperial. Maybe you think I'm wrong to start with the cars. But they're all made 100% in America. And gas is about 4 gallons for a buck. One more thing - they all had WING WINDOWS!

Some will miss the cell phones, video games and the internet. I, for example, will not be able to blog. These longings will pass in about two weeks.

Then there's the food. There will be tons of great little one-of-a-kind cafes and burger joints. There will be chains but they'll be solid contenders like McDonald's (the Big Mac was introduced in 1968 - I picked the year very carefully!), A&W and Kentucky Fried Chicken (where chicken will be eaten fried with the skin on it as God intended, NOT GRILLED). It'll beat the hell out of what we've got now. F**k Chili's and Applebee's. It will be full of fat and cholesterol but it will not kill us because a) nobody will be telling us it will, and b) we won't be nearly as sedentary in our swinging 1968 lifestyle. At the stores you'll only find one kind of Fritos, one kind of Cheetos, but that's all you need. Coffee drinkers - there will be four options: black; w/sugar; with cream; w/sugar and cream. Oh, and you can get those decaf as well. For those who long for their cappuccinos, lattes and espressos, these are readily available too... in Europe. Grab a plane (no security checkpoints!) and don't hurry back.

Well, MLK and RFK are gonna get shot right off the bat. But that's pretty much it in major assassinations till John Lennon in 1980, so that's a nice break.

Rock and roll might have peaked a couple years earlier but is still plenty good. Brian Jones, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison are still alive in varying states of decay. The Beatles are still together. Songs by rock bands, R'n'B artists, country performers and pop singers all make the same chart.

For the antiwar types we're now fighting in Vietnam rather than Iraq. We're trying to stop Communism rather than terrorism. Just make some new signs, and you'll find there's lots more protests to participate in. There's one coming up in a couple years at Kent State you might want to pass on though.

We'll still have a democrat president redistributing wealth to the nonproducing members of our society. But all the kids will hate him. Later in the year we'll take a turn for the better, with, umm... anyway...

Schools will be housed in buildings dating to the early part of the 20th century if not older. There will be no computers. Few classrooms will be air-conditioned. Students will receive an education far superior to the the one they would receive today.

The druggies will need to step carefully. Sure, there's pot, acid, and all kinds of stuff. But get caught with a couple joints and you're in jail till... 2009 - OUCH!! Groundhog Day!!

Kids will ride everywhere on their bikes instead of vegetating in front of a DVD or video game. They will never wear a helmet and none will ever receive a head injury in a bike wreck. Their parents will have little idea of where they are when they are out riding, and the kids will have at best a vague warning of "men in cars offering candy" but they'll always be home in time for supper. Or maybe ten minutes late.

Sorry, there will be no revolutionary Segway scooter. But you can get a Vespa, Cushman or Lambretta scooter and have a hell of a lot more fun, and not look like a total dork.

There will only be three television networks. But most of the shows will be pretty damn good. And no reality shows!!

Electronics will be expensive, sometimes as much or more in 1968 dollars as they are in today's dollars. On the other hand, they will probably last years and years without repairs, will be made in the USA, and if they do break, you pay a small charge to a repair shop, not throw them away and buy another.

Oh, also, you probably won''t know anyone who is unemployed.

I know we'll need a few months to set this all up, but I hope I've made my case. Gotta go, there's a new episode of The Monkees coming on!

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